mother-daughter wisdom

i was watching dr. christiane northrop on pbs this morning. toward the end she said that a colleague once told her that her mother had been dead 20 years, and their relationship is still changing. i -along with many members in the audience- found this amusing, though for a couple of seconds i had no idea what she was talking about. my mother passed 19 years ago, and when she did, along went the relationship. i haven't seen or spoken with her since.
then it hit me:

our relationship is ever changing, evolving. not only do i utilize the tools she gave me to survive, the traits she consciously and subconsciously passed on to me, but the older and more experienced about life and family i become, the more i learn about my mother, as woman. i understand better her struggle, appreciate more her sacrifice, long more for her presence.

i was 14 when my mother passed away [transitioned], she was 34. of course, to me she was old, though people would always give me that "oh she was so young" response whenever they were told of her age. i never truly understood where they were coming from, but now, being 33 myself, i get it. my mother gave her life, those few short years, for us. it was her choice, the same as i choose to give up many things for my children. but as a woman, i wish she had gotten to do more of the things that set her jollies off, that made her heart race with excitement. although i'm sure 7 children is alot of excitement, and she did make some time for her craftiness, i wish she had gotten more. more romantic evenings, more respect from her family... just more.

i pray ALLAH i get to live out more of my dreams, not just what is good for the family, before it is my turn to leave this place. you never know when you're next in line, and i need to keep that in mind. the first born, i truly am my mother's daughter and virtually always put everyone else in front of me. again, the older i get the more i understand my mother. in the words of my mother in law this morning- a woman has to look out for herself because everyone [a man] will take what's needed and then leave her to fend alone...

at the end of the day i want to be happy and feel accomplished, not just with my children and husband, but also with myself. i pray ALLAH my mother left here knowing what that is. may she always be protected-Amin.
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