spo'led

it's official- my baby is 'spoiled'. everytime i get her to sleep tonight she wakes back up in almost no time, yelling at me to come and get her (she doesn't actually cry, but does this kinda baby talk/yell thing; you can tell she's miffed). how fiesty!

i can't say i'm upset about it; i make it a point to hold and carry my babies lots- much to mil's scorn- so i understand that i've conditioned her to want me. i'd just like to use the bathrom on a whim sometimes though. these days even that's a luxury...

doin' fiiiiiiine on cloud nine

it is the cutest thing to see when my daughter gets finished nursing, and she's in this sort of euphoric place between contentment and sleep. she lies there with her head slowly falling back, eyes half open, with this [dare i say goofy] partial smile on her face. she reminds me of a 'stoner dude'/ surfer type sometimes portrayed on television, like she's fixin' to say "duuude, that was sweet", or whatever the heck they say. my baby boy (8) is good with that lingo...

speaking of which, if there's anything i would like to live as via my children, like something i didn't do with my own life, but wish i could have,(not the more important things like education) it's skateboarding. not just regular skateboarding though, xtreme. it is just the coolest thing what those kats can do on boards, man. then, when you know the history of where it came from... it's just dope. and that whole vibe is me-- my children, too. now, my 13 yo has always wanted to learn how to board, and i can absolutely see him doin' his thing. but my 8 yo would be even hotter because his energy is craaazy how you probably need to be for such a sport. he's always been a climber, loves jumping, flipping, hiking, whatever. i think him on a ramp- jumping, twisting, flying- would be his utopia. maybe i will check into that...

dunya daze (a poem)

*the following poem is in the tradition of the african 'call back', in which the reciter says a verse/s and the audience calls back a response. what are in parenthesis below is the response.

saw him 'round the neighborhood

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

said to myself he looks good

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

whispered to one of my girls

gots to have him in my world

fingerplay in those tight curls

she said, you bet' go on girl!

(steppin' high, steppin' proud--4 x's)

so had to come up with a way

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

to meet him, but what could i say?

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

not much of an aggressor, chile

sollution came not in awhile

batted my eyes and gave a smile

then turned and moved down the store aisle

(steppin' high, steppin' proud--4x's)

he followed not too close behind

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

and asked about the name of mine

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

must show him how to play the game

said, sorry i don't give my name

and i don't mean to keep it plain

but some you know are quite insane

(steppin' high, steppin' proud--4x's)

he gave back smile, teeth pearly white

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

with golden fronts, ooh, what a sight!

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

laid it on me nice and sweet

said, i don't bite, i don't eat meat

would hate to leave here in defeat

my mind ran, hid in great retreat

(steppin' high, steppin' proud--4x's)

now i agreed to let him win

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

that's when the drama ushered in

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

there in my face a hand with ring

attached to one huffed up miss thing

oh what a song that she did sing

i said, my fault sis, no big thing

(steppin' high, steppin' proud--4x's)

now as they left he gave a wink

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

i'm not that type, what did he think?

(steppin' high, steppin' proud)

brotha best to recognize

he ain't all that although he's fine

wanted to give a piece of mind

but turned and moved on out in time

steppin' high, steppin' proud!

copyright 2003

say it isn't so!

far be it from me to sweat anybody too tough, especially celebrities. there is just something in my egotistical make-up (?) that won't allow such things for people who- for the most part, and in my estimation- are utterly shallow, untouched by reality, and in many cases undeserving of the praise and dividends they receive. i mean really, who is more fitting for such, a teacher that struggles each day to school a class full of students (with all different personalities) not just the basic mandated curricula, but also how to be positive, law abiding citizens who will one day take over this sick world we've created for ourselves, or lindsay lohan/paris hilton/usher? shouldn't some guy who takes ample time out of his day to be a big brother to a little boy up the block, or regularly makes it a point to buy a burger and fries for a homeless person on his way from work, be hounded by cameras and press everywhere he goes, having questions thrown at him, like: "how do you prepare yourself mentally for such roles?" "oh, you look absolutely fabulous! who are you wearing, k-mart? sears?"

... aw'ight, you get my point. i know i have issues, but i'm just saying, can those who really work hard to contribute something positive to the world get a pound?? i'm all for artists (i said artists) getting paid for their art, but entertainers get taken too damn (ahem) seriously these days...

anyway, i don't pay celebs too much attention, but i have to say, this whole jessica and nick separation thing is hurting my heart. of course, we're used to hearing of 'hollywood couples' breaking up, way sooner than these two. the reason why i think i'm sort of sorrowful though is because:1) she really seemed as if she had a kind of spiritual foundation when she came out, 2) she married a virgin, and was very proud of her chastity (i was proud of her, too), 3) they seemed very much in love and respectful of one another with a big, wonderful future ahead of them.

keeping in mind that i don't know these people, and have absolutely no idea why they decided on this, i have managed to come up with some theories (from a woman's point of view?). firstly, i don't see the entertainment industry being a place for anybody looking for spiritual or religious peace. from what i understand, jessica initially wanted to do gospel, but wound up in pop- first mistake; ain't nothing but the devil all up in that piece. secondly, from the out-out side looking in, it seems that she just started getting more confident in herself, which unfortunately in our generation manifests itself by wearing less and less clothes, and oft times feeling like we can do w/o certain male counterparts. ultimately, i think she shed some (or alot) of the innocence she started out with, and maybe felt that she 'missed out' on some stuff getting married so early, etc. whether they split because of infedelity or what, when a woman doesn't have to 'depend' on anyone, there's less stuff she's willing to accept, deal with, or fight for.
whatever they're going through, i hope they can work it out because i hate divorce (unless it's absolutely necessary). i heard a story once:

all day long shaytaan's (satan's- curse him) helpers came to him with all the evil things they had done. if one had caused someone to commit suicide, rape or something, he would just be non-chalant, like "yeah, that's nice, whatever". but when one came and said, "i have caused a couple to divorce", he would be very happy and say, "you have done very well!"

alright, that's enough of my rambling. i wonder if i'm the only one pondering this way too much...

mother-daughter wisdom

i was watching dr. christiane northrop on pbs this morning. toward the end she said that a colleague once told her that her mother had been dead 20 years, and their relationship is still changing. i -along with many members in the audience- found this amusing, though for a couple of seconds i had no idea what she was talking about. my mother passed 19 years ago, and when she did, along went the relationship. i haven't seen or spoken with her since.
then it hit me:

our relationship is ever changing, evolving. not only do i utilize the tools she gave me to survive, the traits she consciously and subconsciously passed on to me, but the older and more experienced about life and family i become, the more i learn about my mother, as woman. i understand better her struggle, appreciate more her sacrifice, long more for her presence.

i was 14 when my mother passed away [transitioned], she was 34. of course, to me she was old, though people would always give me that "oh she was so young" response whenever they were told of her age. i never truly understood where they were coming from, but now, being 33 myself, i get it. my mother gave her life, those few short years, for us. it was her choice, the same as i choose to give up many things for my children. but as a woman, i wish she had gotten to do more of the things that set her jollies off, that made her heart race with excitement. although i'm sure 7 children is alot of excitement, and she did make some time for her craftiness, i wish she had gotten more. more romantic evenings, more respect from her family... just more.

i pray ALLAH i get to live out more of my dreams, not just what is good for the family, before it is my turn to leave this place. you never know when you're next in line, and i need to keep that in mind. the first born, i truly am my mother's daughter and virtually always put everyone else in front of me. again, the older i get the more i understand my mother. in the words of my mother in law this morning- a woman has to look out for herself because everyone [a man] will take what's needed and then leave her to fend alone...

at the end of the day i want to be happy and feel accomplished, not just with my children and husband, but also with myself. i pray ALLAH my mother left here knowing what that is. may she always be protected-Amin.
-

so much has happened since last i posted that i don't know where to start...
well, of course my son returned home from egypt (thank ALLAH). it's funny what difference three months can make; he had always been a toothpick of a child, but maybe the first thing i and many others noticed was how CHUBBY he had gotten! not that he's anything like most children are today-spewing out in all directions- but for him a little is alot. it took me a minute to get used to, those thick calves and all. it's wierd when your children move into that teenaged spectrum, or at least for me. not just with the physical, but the mental/emotional also. i swear that boy acts like he doesn't have any sense half the time! and let me not mention attention span... oh well, it comes with the territory i suppose. i'd hate to hear how my mother might describe me at 13, i'm sure...

well, besides my child (my baby) being back, the restaurant is still doing well. one of the things i don't necessarily dig about owning a business though is having to hire help. as i got closer to my due date (i'll touch on that deeper in a sec') it seemed near impossible to find anyone who wanted to work. when you're not looking, everybody's asking to be employed, but when it's available...idunno... the only people who really seemed to be interested were those you wouldn't want representing your food business (know what i mean?), or folks who like to cause too much darn fitna. we were finally able to find someone about a minute past the final hour, but that doesn't seem to be working. so, i'll be cutting my hiatus short and going back in much sooner than daddy and i had anticipated. it's just as well. i'm of the thinking that no one (or not many) can/will hold down something of mine the way i will...

now for the most important/ exciting happenings:
a couple of weeks ago the family and i got a wonderful blessing- a beautiful baby girl! she was certainly a pleasant surprise because not only was everyone kinda leaning toward desiring a girl a little more than a boy, i truly thought i was carrying a boy. on top of that, everybody insisted that it was a boy because of my belly position and such. of course, i can't say that i believe in those logics (everybody said my first daughter was a boy, too). i guess i thought she was going to be a boy mainly because i too was kinda leaning toward wanting another female in the house, and i thought me wanting it was enough to have it not happen. like i tell my chldren, ALLAH provides us with what we need...
anyway, we had her at home, unassisted, just daddy, the children and me. she was 9 lb 12 oz, and daddy helped her out, succioned, cut the cord, even pressed out the rest of teh placenta from my belly... he was all that, i'm very proud of him. he's still vibing off of it, and i'm sure he will be for awhile ( hopefully the rest of his life). i'm sure she and he will have a bond like no other...